You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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