I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
