i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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