the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
