he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
