my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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