drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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