i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
