I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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