I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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