It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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