Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
