wrigley field is MILF paradise
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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