sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
