He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
