if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize