btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
