Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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