Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
