my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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