Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
