My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
