Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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