Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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