I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's shark week go big or go home
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
