Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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