I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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