my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
