I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
