i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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