She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
