ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
