My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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