I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
