i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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