There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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