I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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