Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize