Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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