if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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