bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
