I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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