You're a womanizer and a bitch.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize