Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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