yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
