I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
