I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
