I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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