Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
