Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you win again, gameday.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
