this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
