In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We just shotgunned beers for America
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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