Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
