he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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