Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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