Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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