totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
