to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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