Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
