I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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