It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
