zippers are such a cool invention
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
